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HIGH GEAR/SEPTEMBER 1978

A DISTURBED PEACE

By Brian McNaught

With increased frequency, gay men and lesbians are voicing concern over what they identify as a growing lethargy inthe gay community. Like myself, they expected the numbers of those marching in Gay Pride parades to double this year. They report that while their Church groups and organizations are not losing any members, neither are they drawing in lots of new faces. Are we losing ground? they ask. Have gay people given up on the struggle for equal rights? Does anybody care?

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I would suggest that lesbians and gay men have not become lethargic; we have become serious; we have matured.

The modern American gay pride struggle is in its 10th year. Quite simply, the magic has worn off. Like all endeavors, the magic of the movement could be found in its "newness." For the last nine years we have been nourished with a series of "firsts" over which we could rally and from which we could draw enough nourishment to maintain a high level of excitement.

Word spread quickly of gay people in New York fighting back the police in the best spirit of the 1960s. The nation was electrified. Until that time most communication came in the form of rumor and most rumors concentrated on which Hollywood stars were seen in Los Angeles gay bars. We hungered to see ourselves in print and on the television. We ached to find a good gayoriented book in the library or bookstore. We fantasized about the various churches addressing the issue openly. Then, the

movement ...

Suddenly, (which is not to suggest a lack of hard work), we had our own gay press. Magic. Soon we were reporting on the "coming out" of high government officials (no more Walter Jenkins), clergy, doctors, lawyers, Armed Forces personnel, teachers and yes, even young Catholic journalists. Magic. We not only began to read about ourselves in the national press but began seeing ourselves portrayed on popular television programs. Even Ann Landers came around. Magic. Churches began to talk above a whisper about us; we formed our own "gay-oriented" church and our own caucuses in the mainline denominations. Magic. The psychiatrists said we weren't sick after all; European thinkers took out an ad in Time magazine in our behalf and our representatives were invited into the White House for a series of top level meetings. Magic. Finally, a crazy lady from the South arrived on the scene, her arms laden with Bible, flag, apple pie and orange juice and united us with her anti-gay cam-

paign. making "gay rights" household words. Magic.

We have been saturated with exciting firsts and few of us can think of much now which we would consider novel. Even the most awful things being printed have been said before so they fail to upset us too much. We have heard every version of the "coming out" story. There are books than we can possibly more lesbian and gay male keep up with. Talk shows featuring gay spokespersons, which use to draw a large group around the television set, are now considered old hat and not much competition for Star Trek re-runs. Even the name "Anita" has become boring.

The gay movement today is not unlike the relationship of two persons who have been together for over a year. Each has heard all of the stories about family, old friends and growing up days at least twice. There are no new meals being placed on the table nor new songs being sung. The period of discovery has pretty much ended. The magic of the

honeymoon is over. Yet, as anyone who has made it through this peirod can attest, now is the time when the relationship begins to mature and the true beauty of the commitment begins to flourish.

Persons committed to the gay civil rights movement, those persons who have lingered after the last song has been sung, are and energies on concrete, longnow concentrating their talents and fewer lesbian and gay male term programs of change. Fewer spokespersons fight for headlines. Weary of being drawn in too many directions, persons who know their skills are limiting their activities to those projects which best tap their talents. Moreover, they are beginning to take a realistic look at survival and are realizing that they must be paid adequately for their contributions.

The movement hasn't ended nor lost impetus. It is more dynamic today than ever before because it has matured and in that maturity we will witness its

success.

AND THEN THERE WAS ONE

Relationship breakdowns and break-ups can be some of the worst times of our lives. We all go through it at one time or another. We all lose something of value at various times. Loss many times involves anger and that anger turned in on ourselves can cause depression and a stress that occasionally seems out of control. What do you do when suddenly the feelings you once had that made you secure turn to feelings of anger. loneliness and maybe even hate?

The loving relationship you've had so much emotional investment in has become ugly. Tension, repulsion and desperate feelings set in. You feel frustrated and occasionally frantic. Something you wanted so much can be so easily destroyed by the attraction of the person you care for to another or, just others. Sometimes you stand and watch while the person you love seems to aggressively go after others (at least it seems

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stuff so much down inside that you make yourself a veritable time bomb that may explode at any given moment. Pursuit of the loved one is seen as interference. They refuse to even acknowledge your hurt and anger. Indifference!

Your friends empathize and sympathize and offer to listen and to hold you. There is some relief in that. Some of the mutual friends you had with your loved one are unsupportive of the two of you trying to work things out. Even others openly support nonrelationshps since having fun or partying with your loved one is all that's important to them. They tell you you're silly or too serious and therefore a drag to be around. Your ability to care maybe hits too close to their own shortcomings, inabilities and inadequacies. You're whole, they are not.

You're alone and scrambling for some magic, some answer, some way to restore the selfesteem you've lost, fill the time that seems so empty, to find a way to be held in a way that you've become accustomed to, to get back the love from the

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person you want it from. You search your soul for reasons. What's wrong with me? Have I changed? Am I less' sexually attractive than those other people? Why can't I make him love me once again? You can't!

It's called pain. It's called hurt. Everyone seems to know what it is you feel excep: the most important person. They seem to be insensitive. They seem to be having a good time and encourage you to do the same. You envy them and maybe even hate them for what they're doing and what they're doing to you. You apologize (for what?). You ask them to come back and try it again. Sometimes you beg and plead. You do some really stupid acting out sometimes in public places and embarrass yourself and others. You withdraw. You wait for calls that

never come and meetings that never are as good as you hope. Depression.

What do you do?

Get in touch with yourself and your feelings. Use the time to rebuild the strength that you now realize has drained you so Seek help, even professiona! help if consoling friends are not enough Do some work on yourself if this pattern has become repetitive. Start once again to do things that have always made you feel good about yourself. Go through a grieving process. Cry. Share as much of your feelings as you can with someone you trust (there must be someone). Avoid contact. Remember, they lost something of value. They lost you. He may fool himself all his life that he's a winner. He's a loser. He makes shitty choices. You won. Find another winner. Tim Connelly

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